‘Brit’ish advice for Kanye West on how not to be a twat

25 February 2015 by in Entertainment, The Diversity Dashboard

Tonight is the night of the much-anticipated Brit awards where we will be dazzled by performances by Ed Sheeran, Taylor Swift and Kanye West. Yes, you heard us, King Douche Kanye West will be gracing our humble British shores with his presence and will be reigning at the Brit awards this year.

APTOPIX MTV Video Music Awards ShowIt’s been quite a year already for Kanye and we’re only into our second month. So far, he has launched his fashion collection at New York Fashion Week inspired by the London riots of 2011 (were they all wearing one shoe after looting Foot Locker?) he has engaged in an increasingly bitter Twitter fight started between his ex girlfriend, Amber Rose and his sister-in-law Khloe Kardashian where he essentially calls Rose out for being a ‘hoe’. Oh dear, Kanye, so much drama already. When coming to the much more reserved UK, perhaps you should be aware of the cultural differences before you go on stage tonight. Here are some helpful tips:

Do not announce to the Brit audience that your daughter is the same as Prince George. Yes, we think she is very stylish and incredibly cute but future queen of England? It’s not impossible but incredibly unlikely.

In fact, please leave your daughter at home. We would suggest leaving her somewhere you can find her, perhaps in a north westerly direction. Her tantrums at New York Fashion Week may have seemed empathetically endearing to you but in Britain, we do not encourage spoilt ungrateful young children to ruin an otherwise pleasant afternoon for grown ups. Harper Beckham proved that it is possible to be a toddler and well-behaved at fashion shows, perhaps North can take some valuable lessons from her. Alternatively, she may enjoy a visit to Hamley’s on Regent Street or the Natural History Museum but not the Brits.

Please keep your opinions to yourself. It is widely regarded that Taylor Swift is the queen of music and happiness. If she wins tonight, please do not storm the stage in protest. We are aware that you need to be noticed every five minutes or so but please leave the winners alone. If you do not agree with the results of the evening, perhaps write a letter of complaint (how very British) and we will deal with it in a timely manner in the next six to twelve months.

Understand that the world does not revolve around you. Who can forget the time that humble Kanye compared his struggles to those of Solomon Northup in 12 years a slave? We in Britain are much less fond of boasting about our achievements and prefer the art of self deprecation rather than going on and on about how good we are. We understand that you really like your friends, Beyoncé and Jay-Z (as we do too), but they don’t have to win everything. Give others a chance. Take a back seat.

Finally, there’s nothing we hate more in Britain than self-aggrandising idiots and you seem to be a master of the art of idiocy. Our best advice for you would be to get hold of a copy of The Diversity Dashboard, it’s full of easy to follow advice on communication techniques to guarantee you’ll be well received in any situation.

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