Improving Self Confidence

What is self-confidence and why don't I have any?

Self-confident people trust their own abilities, talents, instincts and feel as though they have some control over the outcome of their lives. This does not mean that they think of themselves as invincible or faultless, but they do have a sense of achievement and self-worth. If they can't achieve one of their aims, they don't lose perspective and feel useless; a familiar feeling in those lacking in confidence. This is why someone lacking in confidence might be unwilling to try new things or make plans: the fear of stirring up those uncomfortable feelings is too great.

Sometimes being overly criticised in childhood, being bullied at school, or even some dramatic event can rock our confidence - which has nothing to do with our ability or the truth of who we are. We can then start to look to others for approval and esteem, making our core shaky and unstable, and we then become reliant on these 'fixes'. Everyone has a friend who needs the constant attention of men or runs up credit card bills buying new clothes; these are classic examples of someone trying to 'make' confidence from elsewhere.

Get in the driving seat

The main way we attack or own confidence is to collect 'facts' that support a negative idea, such as 'I'm so stupid, I failed my driving test just like I failed my Girl Guide cooking badge'. Hello? You were twelve! What about all the things you have succeeded at between now and then? Feelings aren't truth. We can imagine that a feeling holds some truth, but feeling unattractive and being unattractive are two different things; you need to learn to appreciate that sometimes feelings are just fears cropping up and not golden nuggets of insight.

Another major confidence-destroyer is the 'perfectionist' syndrome, the idea that if we can't be the best there is no point in trying. The best at what? Everything? An Olympic athlete might be the best at the high jump but can't dance; does that mean that her gold medal doesn't count? Confident people get failure and success in perspective - two sides of the same coin. There's nothing more charming than someone who admits with a smile that something isn't their forte.

All-time losers!

So here are some of the most common things we tell ourselves that men don't like about us as women; the things we are adamant will have them running for the hills. This isn't to make you blush but to show you how confidence is all about giving only yourself the option to disprove of yourself and how to put a happy spin on stuff.

Men love loud, sexy women. True. Some men do love sassy women. But some loud women are attention-seeking energy drains: which is not the same as confident. And some quiet women are incredibly confident and don't feel any urge to run off their mouth and demand that they are the focus of everyone in the room. So forget focusing on her, and start paying attention to your own key assets.
I have to be gorgeous all the time. According to whom? Most men are mildly, if at all, self-critical. Do you think that he imagines his slightly flabby love handles in any way affect his power as a love god? Trying to be immaculate all the time is more likely to make him think you are a vain android that doesn't sleep. Scary.
I'm a bit of a crackpot. He either wants you or he doesn't. We all have our strange little habits, such as humming the 1812 Overture when shaving our legs (for some of us it's a battle, OK?). It makes us different from the next person and all the more approachable. Don't try and second-guess what he wants from you; you are bound to get it wrong.
I don't urinate. When we feel out of control, we often try and take control. So we decide that if we start controlling aspects of our life we will be able to keep hold of the relationship. Insecurity comes from a fear of being rejected so we start obsessing about eradicating anything that might turn him off - and end up pretending we don't pee, like Barbie. Truth is, he'll do what he wants when he wants; you turning yourself into a human pretzel will just be exhausting for you both.


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