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Relationship Problems

Sometimes things just don't work out. You can have a great time for three months and think it's all going fantastically.

But before you know it, things don't feel right and there seem to be more sad times than glad.

When you ask him what's wrong, he says nothing and gives you a pat on the knee. Grab your coat and get out of there; this is a man digging an escape tunnel.

So why do we women persist in a relationship that has stopped being satisfying? Because we choose to listen to what he is saying with his mouth and not with is actions. It would be wonderful if men simply said 'This isn't working for me any more, but thanks for the good times and I hope you are happy.' But, in reality, they are much more likely to freeze a woman out and hope she pulls the plug, rather than do the nasty work of ending the relationship themselves. The problem is, us girls can hang in for the grim death, imagining that we can make things better, trying even harder to please. So, while he is waiting for you to make your exit, he gets regular sex, an extra-attentive lady and the comfort of having someone around. And your self-esteem gets to slide down the drain.

Wakey, wakey

The best way to handle a man on the move is to let him go. You might think everything is lovely but if he just isn't into it, what's the point in trying to persuade him? He will only try and make a run for it at some later point, probably when you have more invested in the relationship and find it even harder to let go. You won't always be able to find out what the reason is for someone leaving: they may not be over their ex, maybe they want to focus on work or are just not feeling it. What you can control, however, is your response. While it is fine to be upset and feel a bit rejected (it's only natural, after all), there is no point in trying to jump through hoops persuading him you are the right girl for him unless you are prepared to keep it up for the next sixty years. I call this urge to please the 'blue hat on a Tuesday' syndrome. Basically, it covers the 'if only I was thinner/blonder/smarter/sportier' statements that mean about as much as 'if only I had worn a blue hat on a Tuesday'. If you are not the right woman, then trying to do an impression of the right woman is not going to convince him. Good relationships allow both partners to change because the important thing stays constant - that they are the person that the other wants to be with.

Warning signs that he is out the door

There are some real give-aways that a relationship is faltering - if you can give yourself the distance to see them.

Communication dries up. The phone rings less frequently, and when he does call he is saying goodbye almost as soon as he has said hello. When you're together, you find yourself racking your brains for something to say and he doesn't do much in the way of making conversation. His sentences are short and he never elaborates when telling you about his day, nor does he make any jokes or share observations with you. Practically anything on TV is more interesting than you, even gardening shows.
You can't do anything right. He now thinks that what was once his favourite top makes you look fat, your friends irritate him and he never laughs at your funny stories. Problems he once used to sympathise with, he now claims are all your fault. You drop a cup and it becomes an all-out screaming match. This is the 'bad cop' technique, where he is trying to provoke you into calling it off. If things are going this way, act fast. If you don't, not only will you end up feeling guilty for ending it, but you will also probably put up with it for long enough for you to start to feel bad about yourself. It's the meanest, weakest and most damaging way for someone to call things off, so watch out for it.
He wants his life back. You are no longer issued an open invitation to everything he does, he doesn't tell you who just called him and he refers to himself, when making plans, as 'I' rather than talking about 'we'. He may as well pack a suitcase for you; this is a blatant message he is giving out.


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