Dating for Parents

Should you even date at all? Well, everyone needs love, support and attention.

If you get out the sackcloth and give up the idea of a personal life in favour of pouring yourself into parenting, you may feel less guilty about the split. But guilt is a funny thing.

When you manage to bury guilt by denying yourself any time at all, you may find that as your kids grow up, it suddenly pops up in them. They may feel that they have to take care of you; they may feel that they cannot leave home or enjoy their freedom because they envisage you sitting all alone at home, after all you have sacrificed. And as we all know, guilt can soon turn into resentment. Does this seem a bit harsh? Probably, but as much as you need to reassure yourself that your children are loved and nurtured despite a split, you also have to show them - by example - that life goes on. By finding new friends, interests and even a partner, you are demonstrating to them that persevering is the best way to deal with hardship. Otherwise, you may well find yourself sitting at home wrapped in a shawl, damning their father's new wife fifteen years after the split - and you'll only be forty.

I have something to tell you...

Some things in life are non-negotiable: the passing of time, ice cream does make you fat, you have got kids. If you meet a great guy it is totally acceptable if he finds the idea of dating a person with children difficult to come to terms with at first; after all, it does mean impromptu trips to Paris are out (unless it's in half-term and you can take in Disneyland too). But it is never acceptable for you to pretend they don't exist. Definitely spend the beginning of a courtship dating as a couple before you introduce your kids, but don't try and gloss over how central they are, and will need to be. After all, if things move on, they will need to become central to his life too. By the same token, you can tell your kids you are dating but don't bring anyone home until you feel there may be some sort of future - unless you want to turn up at parents' night and have their teacher ask you about little Tony's many daddies. All your children need to know is that you are socialising and happy, and that's normal - not his phone number, kissing ability and that he hasn't called. Also, telling the ex is tough, especially if there is animosity between you, but it has to be done. There is no worse way to break the news of a new relationship to your old partner than through your children. The kids in question will know immediately, as soon as the words have left their mouths, that their other parent didn't know, and they'll feel awful about it.

I hate you!

Oh, that loving refrain that every child utters to a parent at some, or more often, several stages in their life. If you have met someone you like and are ready to take them home, then be prepared for some negative fallout. Kids will fear any big change, especially if they have been through one relatively recently, and feel a loyalty to the absent parent. Even teenagers can harbour fantasies about their parents reuniting, so give them some room. And if your date is sensible, he should expect this too. Having said that, maybe you should draw the line at your kids trying to lock him out of the house.

Meet the little monsters

When is the right time? Just because you are a bit older it doesn't mean that you're immune to a crush, especially if you have felt neglected or bruised by your break-up. So try and avoid that early, three-month stage where even your new amour's yawns seem cute; you may just be wanting it to work out rather than seeing it for what it is. And when you do know it's more than just your hormones talking, meet away from the home so the kids don't feel invaded. If your date has kids, let them come into the picture later; too much at one time could spin them all into orbit. They might panic at the thought of having to share their bedrooms with any step-siblings, and be closed off to the whole idea. Even before they get out of the car. You may see wonderful adult character traits in your new partner that your children don't understand: be patient.


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