Dating | Weddings

Overcoming Jealousy

Ugh. Is there anything more hideous? Anything that makes you feel more uncomfortable or loathe yourself quite like jealously does?

The bad thing is, it can kill off a budding relationship with the speed of a biblical-scale locust attack.

Understand and disarm the bomb

Firstly, you need to work out what jealousy is and where it comes from. Because if you don't, you could start killing off your budding relationships for totally bizarre reasons. The worst thing that you can do is point your finger at the other person and blame them for your feelings (unless, of course, they are trying to wind you up), so repeat after me: I am bonkers. Once you acknowledge that questioning a perfectly reasonable person about their movements, outfits, phone calls and even a brief exchange with a waitress is the behaviour of a crackers person, you can start to get it under control.

Feeling sick

This sensation initially seems to be about feeling that you know some hidden truth, when in reality it is more likely to be from insecurity, anger (at yourself) and self-loathing at being unable to control your jealous outbursts. Low self-esteem, feelings of insecurity, the fear of vulnerability or abandonment can all be causes for your reaction. Previous hurts from other relationships can make you so convinced that people are untrustworthy that you end up causing your current relationship to implode.

Chemical reaction

So how will all this affect your partner? Sometimes people get angry when questioned, which the jealous person can read as guilt. They can also feel undermined as you seem to be suggesting that they are unable to defend themselves from other people's advances - after all, they've managed to keep the creep who grins at them in the bus from moving in, so why should they have lost all interpersonal skills since you came along? The other person might start acting cold because they feel badgered - and so the cycle of anger and frustration begins. You should really try to stop trying to interpret their actions and remind yourself that they have their own way of dealing with things: just because they smile and then say a polite 'no, thanks' to someone's advance, where you would prefer them to ignore the person, doesn't mean they are wrong. The fact is that if you are feeling jealous they could probably karate-chop any potential suitors and you would still disagree with them having the physical contact.

How to stop the rot

Firstly be willing to apologise. If you manage to complete the initial step, which is not saying the jealous thing in the first place, you might find yourself holding back and being cold; this is just another way of punishing the other person. Take away the sting by saying 'Look, I'm sorry, I've just had some totally ridiculous jealous thoughts and I am being a bit strange.' That gives the other person the chance to talk through your fears with you without feeling attacked.

Next, be willing to see jealousy as part of the fuller picture of a young relationship; if you have feelings for someone it is quite normal to feel possessive and curious, and to have a sense of ownership. You are also bound to feel vulnerable as you get closer to someone. And you also still have eyes in your head - spotting someone attractive in the street is going to happen, as will people fancying you. Unless you want to live in a dark wooden box in the middle of the forest, just the two of you, you should try and see it as a healthy part of life. Demonising it will only make you both feel frightened to open the door to the postman/woman.

Finally, you need to ask yourself why you feel that this is getting out of control. These feelings are always about yourself, so you need to think about engaging in some activities that aren't focused on the other person in the relationship.


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