Dating | Weddings

Dating After Divorce

There is a line from a song that goes, 'No one said it would be easy, but no one said it would be this hard', which comes to mind here.

For a lot of people, dating after divorce feels more like a kind of slow water torture rather than a playful assault on a new life.

Getting practical

If only everyone who said 'You need to get back out there' was actually saying 'I'll babysit and I know a handsome doctor who loves divorcees'. It's not unusual for it to seem a total impossibility, if most of your social life was spent with your ex and all your friends are married - and if you have kids that's a whole other layer of concern on top. So, firstly, make sure you are comfortable with the time frame and pace that you choose for yourself. You don't need to be scrabbling in the back of the wardrobe for your little black dress whilst the coat hangers on his side are still swinging, regardless of others' opinions.

Gently does it

Before you try and become the super-vamp over night, you might want to consider less threatening human contact. A part-time job (if you haven't worked in a while) could get you in the swing of talking to a whole range of people without expectations, get you coming up with chatty things to say and used to talking on a less intense, more easy-going level - the perfect pitch for dating. It may be more appropriate for you to have some counselling, do a class or take up a new sport, all of which are investments in your own self-confidence and esteem which will, after all, need a boost. If you don't address any negative feelings, you could find yourself blurting out some serious negative self-propaganda on a date such as 'I was so much thinner before the kids'. This sort of thing isn't pleasant for either of you to hear and will stop you feeling good about yourself. So every time you feel a negative thought start to form in your head, remind yourself of something good you have done instead.

Think about sex

You might, or you might not, feel sexual or be interested in having sex. But acknowledging that you are a sexual being with perfectly natural needs is a good way of avoiding getting your desires and your feelings mixed up. You might convince yourself that you find that hopeless blind date your friend came up with ideal boyfriend material because you are craving some intimacy and affection, rather than really wanting to get involved. Don't be worried about separating the two; it may stop you ending up in a nowhere relationship with the wrong man. It's your call about whether or not to get yourself a 'maintenance mate' (someone with whom you can take a tumble with no confusing strings attached), but you may at the very least want to take a trip to your local women-friendly sex shop and see what's on offer. You may find a new way to take care of yourself sexually and safely whilst you get ready for a new relationship. A sex toy can certainly help make your home life a bit happier even if it may not be able to help you with the washing-up.

Haven't we met before?

Well, you may be older and wiser, but all women are capable of returning to tired old patterns that just don't work when choosing a mate. A clever therapist once told me that people keep finding the same bad relationships/money problems/general disappointments because if you don't imagine what you want, you attract what you know. So you need to come up with a good idea of what you would like to find in your new partner. If you couldn't communicate with your ex, beware of following around the strong, silent type again. You have a much better chance of being happy if you look for a man who already posses the qualities you want, rather than trying to shoehorn him into them later.

By the same token, don't just go for the opposite of your ex, which is a simple reaction to the hurt. Ideally, you should take some time to think through what kind of person you would like to attract, so you recognise him when you see him. The last time you thought this through was probably some years ago, with different priorities and without the benefit of experience.


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